There’s an unspoken expectation in life—a natural order to how things should unfold. Parents aren’t supposed to bury their children. Younger siblings shouldn’t have to say goodbye to older ones too soon. When death occurs “out of order,” it doesn’t just bring grief; it brings a profound sense that the world has tilted on its axis, that something fundamental has been violated.
Our practice is a place where we understand that there’s nothing more devastating than losing someone when it wasn’t “supposed to be their time.” The grief that follows such losses carries unique challenges that can complicate the already difficult journey of bereavement. Through our specialized grief work and evidence-based trauma approaches, we create space for healing even when the pain seems insurmountable.
The Unique Landscape of Out-of-Order Loss
When a parent loses a child of any age—from pregnancy loss to the death of an adult child—the grief often carries additional layers of complexity. As one bereaved mother told our grief specialist, Marcy Meyer, PhD, LISW-S: “It’s not just that I lost my daughter. I’ve lost the future I was supposed to have. I lost who I was as her mother. I lost the order of how life should work.”
This sentiment echoes across many out-of-order losses. When younger siblings lose older siblings, when grandchildren pass before grandparents, when the younger generation goes first—these losses challenge our fundamental sense of fairness and order. The grief may include:
- A profound sense of injustice or anger at the violation of the “natural order”
- Intense guilt and questioning—”Why them and not me?”
- A shattered sense of meaning and purpose
- Complicated identity challenges (Who am I now without this role?)
- Secondary losses that ripple outward (future milestones, dreams, expectations)
- The isolating feeling that others can’t possibly understand
“What makes these losses so challenging,” explains Dr. Meyer, “is that they disrupt our basic assumptions about how life works. When someone dies ‘before their time,’ we’re not just grieving the person—we’re grieving our sense of how the world should operate.”
How Specialized Grief Work Helps
At Thrive Therapy, we recognize that out-of-order loss requires a specialized approach. Our grief specialist, Dr. Marcy Meyer, brings not only professional expertise but also a genuine understanding of how to create space for this profound form of bereavement.
“Working through an out-of-order loss isn’t about ‘getting over it’ or ‘finding closure,'” Dr. Meyer explains. “It’s about finding ways to carry this experience that allow you to eventually reinvest in life while honoring your ongoing connection to your loved one.”
Specialized grief work provides a non-judgmental space where all emotions—even the ones that feel unacceptable—are welcomed.
It explores the unique meaning of this specific relationship and loss while processing the identity shifts that occur when fundamental roles change. Through therapy, many find ways to maintain a continuing bond with their loved one while gradually rebuilding a sense of meaning that incorporates this profound loss. Connecting with others who understand this specific type of grief can be particularly healing, which is why Dr. Meyer offers both individual and group options.
For parents who have lost children of any age—from pregnancy and infant loss to the death of adult children—Dr. Meyer offers both individual therapy and group support options. “There’s something particularly healing about being with others who truly understand this journey,” she notes. “It helps to know you’re not alone in navigating these uncharted waters.”
When Grief and Trauma Intersect
Sometimes, out-of-order deaths occur in traumatic circumstances—sudden accidents, suicides, unexpected medical emergencies, or violent events. In these cases, grief becomes interwoven with trauma, creating additional complications in the healing process.
“When someone experiences a traumatic loss, they’re dealing with both grief and trauma simultaneously,” explains Dr. Meyer. “The trauma response can actually interfere with the grieving process, making it difficult to process and integrate the loss.”
Signs that trauma may be complicating grief include:
- Intrusive thoughts or images about how the death occurred
- Avoidance of reminders related to the circumstances of death
- Feeling constantly on guard or easily startled
- Numbness or disconnection from emotions
- Difficulty remembering aspects of what happened
- Sleep disturbances, including nightmares
In these situations, evidence-based trauma therapies such as Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) can work alongside grief-focused approaches to address both aspects of the experience.
“By addressing the trauma components first, we often find that people can then engage more fully in their grief work,” notes Dr. Meyer. “When the traumatic aspects are so overwhelming, it can be difficult to access the emotions of grief that need to be processed.”
Finding Your Way Forward
There’s no timeline for healing from an out-of-order loss. The journey is deeply personal, with ebbs and flows that may continue throughout one’s life. What we offer at Thrive Therapy is not a quick fix, but rather compassionate companionship and skilled guidance as you navigate this difficult terrain.
“What I tell my clients,” shares Dr. Meyer, “is that while we can’t change what happened, we can work together to find a way forward that honors both their loved one and their own continuing life. There is no ‘getting over’ this kind of loss, but there can be growth, meaning, and even moments of joy again.”
If you’re struggling with an out-of-order loss—whether recent or from years past—know that support is available. Dr. Meyer works with individuals across the lifespan, from children and teens to adults, providing both online and in-person options at our Cincinnati location.
The pain of losing someone when it defies the natural order can feel isolating, but you don’t have to walk this path alone. At Thrive Therapy, we create space for all the complex emotions that come with profound grief, holding hope for healing even when it feels impossible.
Start Working With a Grief Counselor in Ohio and Kentucky
If you’re interested in learning more about grief support services with Dr. Marcy Meyer at Thrive Therapy, please go to “contact” to schedule a free individual 15-minute consult. Her and her team of caring therapists offer both daytime and evening appointments, with both online and in-person options available. You can start your therapy journey by following these simple steps:
- Book a free 15-minute consultation call.
- Meet with a caring therapist
- Start taking the first step toward healing!
Other Services Offered by Thrive Therapy Inc.
Thrive Therapy Inc. is happy to provide support across Kentucky, Ohio, and New York. We know that people can experience more than one mental health concern at a time. This is why we are happy to offer additional services in addition to therapy for grief, our team is happy to offer therapy for sexual assault survivors. We also offer a variety of in-person and online therapy services to support you. Other services offered include PTSD treatment, first responders, and childhood trauma survivors. You can learn more by visiting our FAQ or blog pages today.